JOKES (or not!)

Posts : 56 Join date : 2008-10-31 Age : 68

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats
them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls.
To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows
it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'

'No, what?'

'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!'

'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in
sight, the little bum. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.'

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then
the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out,
and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?'

'No, what?' replied the man.

'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled it
out, and ate it!' said the bartender.

'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy. 'He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball,
he measures everything first.'

Posts : 63 Join date : 2008-10-23

Damn monkey!!! Good one!

Posts : 63 Join date : 2008-10-23

Posts : 63 Join date : 2008-10-23

Ran into Calm the other day, asked him if he wanted to hear a joke that would make him laugh his dick off.

He replied, "Sure."

I sadly looked down and replied, "Never mind, looks like you already heard it."

Posts : 56 Join date : 2008-10-31 Age : 68

Joanie wrote:: Ran into Calm the other day, asked him if he wanted to hear a joke that would make him laugh his dick off.

He replied, "Sure."

I sadly looked down and replied, "Never mind, looks like you already heard it."

Now Joanie girl!!! That did not meet the NMU requirements of being Christian-like!!! GO GIRL!!!!!!!

Now we need Swampy input!!! Then again, rumor has it she is conspiring with NMTO!! Tell me it ain't SO!!!

Posts : 63 Join date : 2008-10-23

Phuck that NMU. Know what it stands for? Need More Urangatangs. I rest my case.

Posts : 56 Join date : 2008-10-31 Age : 68

Joanie wrote:: Phuck that NMU. Know what it stands for? Need More Urangatangs. I rest my case.

Goddamn, I bet yer a wildcat in the rack!!! Twisted Evil

Posts : 70 Join date : 2008-10-26

Neanderthal Misinformed Twat-like Oddity cyclops

according to scopes. lol!

Posts : 63 Join date : 2008-10-23

Swampy, Swampy, Swampy, I think you and I need a good hard spankin'! Shocked

Posts : 56 Join date : 2008-10-31 Age : 68

Joanie wrote:: Swampy, Swampy, Swampy, I think you and I need a good hard spankin'!

A hard SOMETHING, that's for goddamn sure!!! lmfao!!!! Twisted Evil

Posts : 70 Join date : 2008-10-26

NMTO Neanderthal Misinformed Twat-like Oddity cyclops

CALM Cunt Asshole Looney-tune Misfit

KRAUH Krazy Radical Asswipe Unbelieveable Headcase

EARP Easy Asswipe to Reachout and Punch

OZ Only posts when they let him out of the Zoo

KUDOS Kan't Understand Dipshits Or Stoners

DWolf Don't like Women Only Likes Fags

ZZ average high school grades

Posts : 63 Join date : 2008-10-23

Now that was classic! Damn Swampy, you are slicker than snot on a door knob!!! LMFAO!!!!!

Posts : 56 Join date : 2008-10-31 Age : 68

THIS MAKES ME THINK OF SWAMPY!!!

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . . . 'Let's put all the fuckin' Corn Flakes back in the box.'

Posts : 70 Join date : 2008-10-26

????????????????????I don't get it.

JOKES (or not!) Blondemoment

Posts : 63 Join date : 2008-10-23

I don't get it either. Where's the punchline? scratch

Posts : 56 Join date : 2008-10-31 Age : 68

I can only give ONE clue...............Stupid is, as Stupid does!! affraid

Posts : 63 Join date : 2008-10-23

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

Posts : 56 Join date : 2008-10-31 Age : 68

OLD TIMERS

An elderly couple is eating lunch in their local restauruant. The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence

WHEN LIFE GETS YOU DOWN, TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF SALT (AND A LIME WEDGE, AND AN OUNCE OF TEQUILA!!!)

Posts : 63 Join date : 2008-10-23

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

"The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels and women with big tits."

Posts : 56 Join date : 2008-10-31 Age : 68

Me too!! Except I'll opt for the cheaper whiskey and get more bang fer me buck!!! king